


pulled

by Lizadrawsss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fainting, Panic Attacks, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23451271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizadrawsss/pseuds/Lizadrawsss
Summary: the sides didn't know that Virgil also suffered from anxiety. they assumed that he just gave it to Thomas, that he intended to hurt him. and Virgil doesn't intend on letting them discover the truth, until they do.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 28
Kudos: 197





	1. the day

Virgil knew that he was going to be summoned today. when Thomas began to get anxious, Virgil's room was the first thing that changed. it would begin attacking him however it could; sending the thoughts Thomas was having to Virgil, warping and changing itself to make Virgil dizzy and disorientated. probably most notable was the clock that Virgil had on his wall. it would spin relentlessly as if time didn't matter anymore, which it didn't - at least not to Virgil, he had bigger issues to deal with right now. so far today, his room had been attacking him for the past hour and as much as he had tried to hold on and keep everything inside his room, he had eventually had to let some of it get out to Thomas. he hated allowing anything negative get to Thomas, but sometimes he had to to keep him safe. if Thomas was in danger and didn't have at least some of a flight or fight response he would succumb to the danger itself, but if he had too much anxiety he would freeze, or maybe pass out. it was a balancing act that Virgil had been working to perfect his whole existence. however, the other sides also hated when he let anything out to Thomas, and as much as he tried not to let it bother him, he could see the irritated looks in their eyes. they all assumed he did it on purpose, that he wanted Thomas to break down. that he didn't hate himself every time it happened unnecessarily, and that he didn't constantly put Thomas before himself and protect him. 

the light sides simply didn't understand how anxiety worked. they assumed that Virgil was this big, bad villain who intentionally gave Thomas tense muscles and shorter breaths. they assumed that he enjoyed hurting Thomas, that he enjoyed being disliked and didn't care about their host when in reality he protected Thomas. Virgil worked so hard to make sure he didn't hurt Thomas. instead what happened is that anxiety worked like a sort of tug of war. Virgil on one end of the rope and Thomas on the other. Virgil had some and so did Thomas. normally, they were equal - the little marker was perfectly in between them both and neither felt particularly anxious about anything - neither had to really pull because there wasn't any anxiety to take from the other. but sometimes, when it got bad and Thomas started thinking negatively, Thomas' end of the rope would pull away from Virgil, and Thomas would start getting anxious. Virgil was very good at his job though - he had plenty of practice - and he never wanted to hurt Thomas, so Virgil always pulled the rope just enough to make sure he had more anxiety than Thomas. he'd pull on the metaphorical rope and make his own muscles clench and shake before Thomas could even register that there was any anxiety at all. and Virgil really didn't mind having the occasional panic attack, he was used to them and could handle them. he'd much rather have a panic attack once a week instead of allowing Thomas to ever get that bad. but he also couldn't afford to lose control. 

Virgil had only lost control once before, when Thomas was young. he had been preparing to go on stage, script in hand, to audition for his school musical, and Virgil had been careless with his side of the rope. he hadn't known back then that it was so important to give himself the anxiety instead of Thomas, he thought they could share it equally. he was wrong; young and naive and he had very quickly learned the truth. when both he and Thomas began to break down together he had been reluctant to take nay more from Thomas because he couldn't breath and he was dying and oh god what if he died- he could hear the banging on his locked door as the other sides shouted for him to stop, to take it back and stop hurting Thomas. he hadn't wanted to, because it hurt to even think about giving himself more anxiety. and he was weak from the panic attack already, it really didn't seem fair. but he risked checking in on Thomas, and when he saw that Thomas was feeling what he was feeling he understood then what his role was. his role wasn't to just feel Thomas' anxiety along side him, he was meant to take it from Thomas and protect him. take the fall and suffer a little for their host. through the midst of his panic attack Virgil felt a rope somewhere in his mind, and he grabbed it. he didn't quite know what to do at first, so he tried letting go. for a moment he felt relief, like he could breath, but when the banging got louder, he knew what he had to do. against every instinct he had to run, he gripped the rope, held it for a second, and then he pulled. Thomas ended up with the lead role in the play. he nailed the audition and was the most confident he had ever been, and ever since then the sides have always assumed that Virgil can just cut it out. make it stop. stop hurting their host. what they didn't know was that Virgil was unconscious for the entire audition and the six hours after it, and when he woke up he had the worst panic attack of his life and nearly passed out again. after he had calmed down, he had realized what had happened. he had taken all of the anxiety and because it was so overwhelming, he had practically ducked out for eight hours and left Thomas without any anxiety at all. anything could've happened. Thomas could've been attacked and Virgil wasn't there to protect him. it was hellish to think about, but everyone was so happy with him for the next few days. they didn't notice that Thomas was overly carefree after the audition. they didn't notice that Virgil didn't come out of his room until the next morning, but when he did, they all smiled at him. it was like Christmas, as if they had finally stopped hating him and were finally seeing Virgil. not anxiety, but real Virgil. it clicked suddenly and all at once that they were happy with him because he disappeared. he removed himself from their lives for a whole eight hours and they seemed to e the best eight hours of Thomas' life. Virgil couldn't help but cry after the realization. he had tried telling them a little while after he had calmed down, but every time he brought it up they just kept praising him and telling him how much they appreciated him doing that. how proud they were, and Virgil felt like throwing up. sure nothing had really changed between them, the light sides still looked at him like he was dirt on the bottom of their shoes, but something changed in Virgil after that.he wanted to prove himself, prove that he himself was enough and that he was necessary. he sort of wanted their acceptance, since even though they had praised him practically ducking out, the praise had still felt nice. so he started taking more, pulling more and barely giving Thomas any anxiety unless it was absolutely necessary. today, it was absolutely necessary.

the day had started as fairly ordinary. Virgil had been up all night worrying about yesterdays argument, so he had barely any sleep. yesterday, Thomas and Joan had gotten into a fight about the sanders sides plot and where they wanted to take it. Joan wanted to have an episode about why anxiety is important, but Thomas thought that was silly and unnecessary. he also described it as insensitive since an anxiety disorder is not something you want. Virgil flinched when he first heard Thomas use the word "disorder" to describe himself. after going back and forth for a while, Joan had left saying that they wanted to give the anxiety character a redemption arc and until Thomas was prepared to do that he wouldn't help with the scripts anymore. Thomas had gone to bed angry and woken up sad and anxious.Virgil had been battling to hold onto Thomas' anxiety all night so to not give him any night mares, but that had resulted in him being exhausted the next day. he was used to being tired though, so this didn't really bother him all that much, but it did make holding onto the rope all the more difficult. he was tired, and the rope tended to be harder to control when he was tired. so, when Virgil's room randomly got dark and the clock began to spin like crazy he quickly held the rope and pulled. as it turned out, Thomas had texted Joan after their little fight that they had and apparently, Joan was still upset with Thomas. Virgil wasn't surprised, of course Thomas began to spiral, but normally Virgil could hold the rope off enough for Logan or Patton or someone to calm him down. but Virgil was so tired, and he could barely pull it towards himself. his every instinct was fighting to not pull the rope anymore and force himself through another panic attack but he fought those instincts with everything he had. he tried and pulled, and his muscles were tensing and his breaths started coming in shorter, but he could feel that Thomas wasn't far behind him. 

so no, it wasn't a surprise when he got summoned and appeared in the living room. luckily for him, he knew how to hide his anxiety pretty well, so he put on a sly smirk and manifested on the stairs like usual. the energy it took to appear physically made the rope slip every so slightly and when he got there, he realized it was worse than he had first thought. where Thomas was sitting on the couch, breathing heavily with hands tangled in his hair, Virgil could feel the distress of the other sides. Virgil pulled the rope a little more, shoving his shaking, tense hands inside is hoodie pockets as he silently counted out his breathing. it was worth it though, when he saw Thomas take in a full breath and his hands stopped pulling his hair quite so much. still, him and Thomas were almost the exact same level of anxiety, although Thomas appeared much worse. Virgil was simply used to this kind of a thing and very good at hiding it from the other sides. Thomas was curled up on the couch facing Virgil, but with his head in between his knees, Virgil couldn't see his face. but this was probably for the better, if Virgil could see the pain in Thomas' eyes he might end up taking too much anxiety from him, and as much as he didn't want Thomas to have to suffer through a panic attack, he couldn't allow the other sides to see him have one. the others were all fussing around Thomas with their backs to Virgil. no one reacted when Virgil appeared, so Virgil allowed himself the opportunity to take as big a breath as he could just before he pulled a little more anxiety from Thomas and his jaw went stiff. Virgil's head snapped back to the group when someone finally spoke.

"stop it." Roman was the first one to speak, and he practically growled the words towards anxiety without actually turning around to look at him. Virgil could feel the anxiety between him and Thomas slowly increasing, but he had to keep a straight face as he began to slowly pull some more of it off of Thomas. he couldn't be obvious, but he could feel himself slipping into a proper panic attack and he needed to leave before his legs gave out. they were already shaking and he didn't know how much longer he could stay standing at this rate. the other sides anger was just giving them both more anxiety at this point.

"c-cant you guys calm him down?" Virgil barely got the words through his lips, but when they were there they sounded surprisingly normal. Virgil hoped no one noticed the little stutter at the beginning, but since no one turned to look at him still he figured he was in the clear. Virgil was impressed with his own level of control. he continued to pull as much as he could without it being obvious. it was hard to focus that much without lying down and closing his eyes, and the longer he left Thomas anxious the more anxiety he gained. if Virgil left this any longer they were both going to end up going through it. his mind was beginning to twirl and he could feel the wedges of his vision blackening. with no one looking at him, he risked closing his eyes for a few seconds and leaning against the railings for support. he took another deep breath and felt his legs shake beneath him and although closing his eyes did nothing for him in the long run, the momentary break from the bright lights in the room helped him to continue holding onto that rope as tightly as he could. once he opened his eyes, he quickly straightened up again just in time for Patton to turn to him.

"kiddo please stop it, he cant breath!" Patton shouted. he looked teary eyed, and Virgil understood the feeling. looking into those eyes caused guilt to flood through Virgil and the control Virgil had gained over the situation was lost momentarily. Thomas' breaths quickened and Virgil's eyes jumped from Patton to him in an instant. Virgil didn't expect to see Thomas staring straight back at him, and when Virgil locked eyes with Thomas he could see that he was struggling. although Thomas didn't have nearly as much anxiety as Virgil right now, Thomas wasn't used to it. he was scaring himself and getting anxious about his anxiety levels and sooner or later he was going to be completely submerged and Virgil knew then that he couldn't let his host suffer like this anymore. but his only option was- 

while Virgil thought about his options Thomas continued to stare at him and what Virgil didn't see was the understanding in Thomas' eyes. he could see himself, could see what he was going through in Anxiety, he could see the panic in Anxiety's face. the concern when their eyes met. he even saw the tense hands stuffed inside Anxiety's hoodie pockets. could see the fast movements in Anxiety's chest as he struggled to get a steady breath. he even saw the slight flinch whenever another side spoke, and the clear distress about the brightness of the lights. and then he saw the glazed over, determinated look fill those dark, scared eyes. and somehow Thomas just knew then that anxiety didn't just give Thomas anxiety, he had it had it himself.

meanwhile Roman continued to shout at Virgil without turning to look at him, "come on, anxiety! stop it! you're hurting him, do you really want to hurt him?"

"anxiety, please, Thomas could have a panic attack!" Logan added, trying to whisper numbers that Thomas was meant to follow along to with is breathing. at some point, Thomas had placed his head back between his knees and it was clear that he was only getting worse.

meanwhile, Virgil tightened his grip on the rope, making sure he had at. "Anxiety! come on! please kiddo!" not even Patton was looking at him now.

with all of the attention off himself, Virgil allowed himself the opportunity to pull up his hood and clench his hands by his sides. just before shutting his eyes, he looked back to his host again. and when his eyes locked onto Thomas' shaking frame he tried apologizing, and before Thomas could even look up he closed his eyes and submerged himself in darkness. just them, Thomas looked up as he started feeling the anxiety mount again, and he wanted to scream. Virgil was gripping the banister with all of his strength as his knees has clearly given out underneath him and no one was helping him. no one was even looking at him! and just before Thomas could make a noise of protest or even attempt to shout that Virgil was about to collapse, help him!

"kiddo, please!"

Virgil felt the rope between his hands.

"please, anxiety, stop this immediately" 

his grip tightened around the material as he prepared himself. neither Logan nor Patton turned to look at Virgil, but roman whipped around just as he screamed,

"ANXIETY!"

and Virgil pulled.


	2. fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman didn't really register that Virgil was about to pass out until he was already on the floor.

Roman didn't really register that Anxiety was about to pass out until he was already on the floor. it seemed to him like one minute Anxiety was standing and hurting Thomas on purpose, being an all round villain while he ignored the cries for help given by the damsel in distress, and the next minute he was quickly falling to the floor completely unconscious, a damsel himself. Roman almost felt bad not helping him when he first went down, but he physically couldn't move. what the hell was happening?

"what the hell?" came Logan's voice from behind Roman, and when he whipped around to look at Thomas he saw that he was completely fine, smiling and happy as ever. tears were still sitting on his cheek bones untouched and he was still huddled in on himself, but he was happy and smiling and careless. silence very quickly over came the room as they all just stared at one another, but as soon as Patton glanced towards the stairs, the silence was quickly ended.

"Anxiety!" and he ran towards the uncomfortably crumpled body that sat completely still at the foot of the stair case. Logan barely had a moment to fathom what was going on before he realized what must of happened. before he realized that Anxiety was passed out at the bottom of the stairs and that Thomas was completely fine. he didn't really understand what had happened, but he could give a few guesses. it wasn't hard to connect the dots after all, it was clear to everyone there that Anxiety was somehow connected to Thomas' anxiety in a physical way, and when he passed out he couldn't give Thomas anxiety anymore. the link had been cut off. what wasn't clear however, was why the hell he passed out in the first place.

"hey! kiddo? can you hear me?" Patton was quickly falling into his paternal role, flattening the back of his hand to Anxiety's forehead only to pull away quickly. "Lo, he's not waking up and he's burning up! he's sweating a whole bunch on his forehead and hands!" Patton continued to check Anxiety's vitals to make sure he was breathing. to make sure he was alive. Logan was still trying to figure out what went wrong, how the hell Anxiety could just make himself pass out like that and he wondered even more if it had ever happened before. he thought back through Thomas' life time and the situations in which his anxiety had eased up quickly, and sure he could name quite a few when his anxious thoughts had cleared up quickly, but he could only think of one other time when his thought shut off suddenly and all at once. 

as much as he'd love to analyse the two situations, he knew that he had to calm Patton down before he too ended up panicked. "Patton, let's move him to the couch and then we can check over him properly. Roman if you could get a towel and wet it with cold water? don't ring it out too much though. thank you. Patton could you help me lift him please?" Logan felt a little bad taking over from Patton so suddenly, but the paternal figure seemed grateful fro the distraction as he was clearly startled. as Roman hurried off to the kitchen, Logan and Patton both grabbed Anxiety and carried him gently over to the couch, setting him down where Thomas had just been sitting. both Patton and Logan vaguely wondered where the hell he went, but didn't concern themselves too much. speaking of,

"Thomas what the hell are you doing?!" Roman had suddenly shouted from the kitchen, something falling to the floor with a dull thud. Logan and Patton both looked in the general direction of the kitchen but barely paid it any attention. Thomas was the least of their worries right now (well not the least of their worries, but they had an anxious side to deal with, Roman could cope with Thomas). once he was settled on the couch, Logan settled himself besides Anxiety's head and tried waking him up again. he tried talking to him, quietly at first but he eventually got up to near shouting. nothing happened.

"what the hell happened to him, Lo? is he okay?" Patton had a finger sat between his teeth that he nervously chewed as he paced back and forth. Logan didn't acknowledge him straight away, thinking of other ideas of how to wake up the side. he didn't want to do anything he might regret, but he thought he had a good idea of how to wake him up since adrenaline would surely wake him? Logan didn't want this to fail, so he slowly rose his hand until it hovered over Anxiety's exposed neck. 

Logan knew that if Anxiety was awake, he would hate someone touching his neck. it's a vulnerable part of the body and him being Anxiety, it made sense that he would feel vulnerable and anxious about people touching him there. the only thing that held Logan back was that he didn't want to be punched in the face if Anxiety awoke with a start, but he pushed the nerves down and slowly lowered his hand over the unconscious sides neck. as soon as his fingers brushed the skin of the Anxious sides neck, the side flinched. "Anxiety?!" Logan asked, hoping that he was awake, but his eyes didn't open and his body didn't react. Logan eventually pressed his whole hand onto Anxiety's neck, and when he didn't wake, Logan knew that they were in for a long night.

"i don't know, Patton. i don't know whats wrong with him. he's unconscious, but other than that i couldn't tell you. we will simply have to monitor him to make sure he isn't alone when he wakes up." Logan stood as he spoke, and just then Roman entered the room with Thomas following behind, smiling like an idiot.

"something is wrong with Thomas!" Roman called as he rushed over to Anxiety to give him the wet towel that had taken far too long to get. Thomas simply strolled into the room and looked around carelessly, taking in his surroundings. he looked calm, and carefree. Patton quickly started fussing about him too as Roman began complaining about how weird Thomas was acting.

"- and he was just eating! and when i asked how he was he replied with 'never better'! as if he was fine?! and he called me Hoss!" he dramatically fell into the arm chair that sat besides the couch, looking up at Thomas as he drifted slowly towards the stair case. "he's like a child! completely careless!"

Patton drifted over to Thomas to stop him from going upstairs. he worriedly looked lover to Logan as if asking for advice, but Logan had none. he didn't understand what was happening, only that Thomas was acting weird. Patton looked back at Thomas, touching him on the arm and waving a hand in front of his face to get his attention. he seemed to startle back into focus a little, smiling down at Patton. Patton smiled back, but it looked uncertain and felt strained.

"hey~ kiddo? you good?" Patton asked, still holding Thomas' arm as if he would wander off if he let go. actually, the more Logan looked at Thomas the more likely that actually seemed. he seemed dazed and out of it. calm, relaxed and completely-

"I'm great! i was thinking i might go to London tomorrow. I've always wanted to go, and i thought 'why not tomorrow?' so i was just gonna go pack" he smiled, gently trying to pull away from Patton's hold on his arm. when he didn't budge, Thomas simply stayed put. Patton looked back at Logan for help while Logan simply looked baffled. "why not tomorrow? maybe because you promised Joan you'd hang out tomorrow?" Logan replied, looking curiously at Thomas' calm and relaxed features. he was entirely-

"oh yeah! i totally forgot! well maybe they can come with me! i'll call them!" and when he went to turn to get the phone, he felt the resistance from Patton's hold on his arm and stopped again. turning back to the group as if nothing had happened at all, like he forgot what he was just about to do. Roman sighed dramatically, throwing a hand over his eyes for added effect. "he was like this the whole time we were in the kitchen. i barely got there in time to stop him from seeing if he could open a bag of rice cakes with a bread knife!" Patton's concern only continued to grow and a small whine of concern flooded from his mouth as he looked back over to Thomas. he barely heard Logan's low voice state something.

"what was that Lo?" his voice had a hint of fear and desperation to it as he struggled to take his eyes off Thomas, concerned about what he would do if left unsupervised. Logan cleared his throat purposefully. 

"he has no anxiety. at all. nothing. Anxiety somehow managed to completely sever his connection to Thomas." he stated, glancing over to the unconscious side on the couch and noticing beads of sweat on his forehead falling down his face. he wondered if he was imagining it, so he walked slowly over to the side himself as Patton and Roman discussed what Logan had told them. "wait so Thomas has no anxiety at all? isn't that a good thing?" Roman argued, as Patton gasped.

Logan tuned out the conversation almost entirely as he hovered over Anxiety. was he imagining it or was his chest rising and falling faster now than a few moments ago? he gently pressed a hand to Anxiety's forehead and promptly pulled it back at the heat. that was concerning. he was about to bring it up to Patton, get him to pass the towel that Roman had left on the railings, when he saw Anxiety's eyes scrunch shut as if he was having a bad dream. he paused, and then held a hand over Anxiety's mouth, feeling the sharp and anxious breaths against his hand. he vaguely heard the conversation the group was having and was readying to interrupt when-

"i mean he was having a panic attack so it's not completely crazy that he passed out" Thomas mumbled carelessly in response to an unheard question from Patton. he looked towards the TV and lit up as everyone else froze. "ooo can we watch Duck Tales?!" he exclaimed excitedly towards Patton. Logan faltered for a moment before putting two and two together.

"Thomas, what the hell did you just say?!"

"what, Duck Tales?" Thomas asked innocently, smiling.

"no! before that!" Thomas seemed to clock onto what he wanted and smiled happily, completely ignoring the tense atmosphere.

"yeah, i saw Anxiety having a panic attack on the stairs! i mean i'd never seen that before but it makes sense right? Anxiety has anxiety? haha!" |Thomas laughed happily as Logan frantically looked back to Anxiety beginning to move around on the couch. now that it had been said he could see the clear signs of a panic attack. a panic attack, since when did Anxiety have those?! and he was waking up. he was going to be awake any moment and he was having a panic attack, what the hell were they supposed to do?

"Patton, i need you to get Anxiety's headphones from his room now! Roman you need to get a glass of water and can you get a weighted blanket from the imagination? quickly!" both sides rushed out of the room at the urgency in Logan's voice, Patton reluctantly leaving Thomas behind. he seemed happy still, calm and careless but his smile slowly started slipping off of his face. his eyebrows began to furrow slightly and he grabbed his head with a low groan of pain. Logan knew that Thomas was coming around, so Anxiety was going to wake up any second. he had to ignore Thomas for a moment as Anxiety began shaking uncontrollably, almost looking like he was having a fit.

"come on, Anxiety. you can do it" Logan mumbled under his breath, reaching out to grab Anxiety's hand. he moved slowly and carefully, not wanting to get hit by his tremors, and just as their skin made contact, Anxiety's eyes flew open and locked onto Logan before they promptly shut again. Anxiety grabbed his hair and pulled it hard, closing his eyes and opening his mouth.

Patton and Roman both faltered while gathering their assigned items when they heard the scream that echoed around the mindscape.


	3. now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is awake.

the vague shadows that followed him down the hall weren't real, Virgil knew this, and yet he still ran. he ran through the hallways, the kitchen and the living room and yet he kept going because he needed to get to his room. he ran with everything he had in his body, gave everything to try and keep himself going until his legs wouldn't work and there was no more air. until his body shook from over used muscles and his ragged breaths edged on dangerous, and in the hallway, where he already couldn't breath and couldn't move and couldn't think, the shadows caught up and completely surrounded him. overwhelmed and overworked, he was completely powerless to stop them.

Virgil barely got the chance to look at one of them before he felt his vision go all distorted and dark. he thought he caught sight of glasses, but in his current state he couldn't be sure. the one that had him, was holding him, glasses, he decided to call them, was long and lean and dark and terrifying. black and mysterious but familiar at the same time and they were touching him and he wasn't breathing. why couldn't he breath? just inhale, stop panicking. because that's what was happening, Virgil had done it a million times over and so he could recognizing his own panic attacks when they were happening. didn't mean that he could breath, or that he wasn't still going to have to hide in his room for a week until he was fully recovered. it didn't mean that he wouldn't go non-verbal right after for about two days. it didn't mean that he didn't still cry and panic and seize up and-

he screamed, heart wrenching and raw. he couldn't help himself, it just happened as if it was as natural as breathing for him. it hurt and tore his throat but he didn't care, he could almost feel himself wake up; whether from the sheer volume or the pain he didn't know, but he was awake. the difference between awake and asleep was blurred but he could tell that this, whatever this was, was real. and although being awake meant that it was going to be over sooner, it also made it so much more real and physical and it hurt. he would usually pass out again at some point anyway, but he didn't dwell on that. he couldn't, not when he was trying to figure out how to breath and what the fuck why did it feel like something touched his hand and why is the air suddenly really heavy? what was happening what was happening what was happening he didn't know what was happening were there people-

no. he sunk out. he wasn't... he wouldn't stay in the living room. he, would he? it hit him suddenly, and for a brief moment he completely froze (granted the moment was short lived, but it didn't stop it from being noticeable). he pulled. he pulled everything from Thomas and now it was inside him and he sunk out didn't he? before he pulled he sunk out back to his room? why wouldn't he? he must have, but if he did, why the hell could he hear voices?

although the words weren't at all clear, he could hear the base of a voice, maybe multiple and did someone just cry out in pain? was that Thomas? was Virgil not pulling hard enough? he didn't want to, but he pulled some more, ensuring that he had every bit of anxiety his body could physically hold - which, since he was the personification of anxiety, was quite a lot. the cry stopped and after a short silence the voices returned, more clear and suddenly vague words were being made out in Virgil's subconscious mind. it was like when someone talks on the other side of a wall, you can sort of make out what they're talking about but cant make out distinct words. he wanted to hear but he couldn't and wait was something touching him again?

he flinched when whatever it was that had his hand squeezed tightly, and suddenly his hand was being moved along the air. it was being dragged by an invisible thing until it landed on a soft moving surface and Virgil, although he was utterly and completely terrified, clung to the object like it was a lifeline. he gripped it in desperation, feeling a little pathetic but not caring all that much. he could feel the thing he was resting on move up and down and could make out the soothing base voice a little more.

"breath" was all he heard, a little over a whisper. but it was enough to connect the dots. he inhaled when the object came up and exhaled when it went down. well, he tried to. the first few attempts went horribly and just made him panic a little more than he already was, but eventually the base voice started saying something that calmed him. although he didn't hear what it was, he was grateful. right then, he decided that he didn't care who or what the voice was, he just never wanted it to stop talking. the object he rested against began pausing in between breaths, and Virgil followed suit, trying to hold his breath after every inhale. it was hard at first and he kept letting go too soon but somehow he didn't worry. he was breathing and that was enough for now.

he vaguely wondered if he should open his eyes, see what was actually going on, but he thought better of it after a little while. if people were here than he would panic more, and if no one was here then he would panic later about how he had imagined it all, so he thought it would be better to keep them shut. if he was crazy then he would deal with it later on. he did release some tension in them though, and they were now simply closed rather than screwed shut tightly. Virgil wondered if this was all going to go away soon and he would be alone again, only his cobwebs and movie posters left to comfort him, but somehow his brain didn't agree with him and seemed to latch onto the voice as if it wasn't ever going to leave him. he wanted to believe it, believe that it would stay, but he couldn't. it wasn't realistic.

after his breathing seemed under control, he focused on trying to un-clench his muscles. this, he found, was harder than he anticipated. he started with his feet, uncurling his toes and allowing himself the freedom to stretch them out on the soft surface - his bed maybe? or the coach? hopefully not the coach. he was on his bed. next, he gently let go of his hair with his left hand and stopped pulling. although the pain grounded him usually, the grounding surface his right hand was pressed against and the voice helped to ground him more, so he felt like he didn't need to keep pulling at his own scalp. he left his hand to rest on his head though, not knowing what else to do with it. he felt a little pathetic at the feeling of pride that swelled in him, but he was calming down so much faster than he normally would.

he actually felt pretty relaxed by the time he was lifting his his head from his knees, more relaxed than he was after a panic attack normally.he didn't open his eyes. instead, he wanted to lie down and sleep, but he felt like he had to look around so that he could see that there was no one there. to prove to himself that he was going crazy. he didn't want to go to sleep still imagining random people and shadows and bodies, but he was so scared, because as much as he wanted it all to be fake, he also wanted it to be real. he wanted someone who cared enough about him that they would put up with his panic attacks and help him through them. he wanted to believe that there were other sides in the mindscape that cared for him, would whisper words of encouragement to him and remind him to breath. 

so when he heard the voice - clear as day, easily understood and much higher than the bass he had originally heard - he wanted to smile and laugh with joy because he knew that voice. that voice had only ever been associated with happiness and joy in the mindscape and it was nice to hear something familiar. something safe. a small smile spread out on his face as he thought about thanking the voice - the side that owned the voice - for helping him. instead his eyes shot open in fear, because holy crap he knew that voice. he actually wasn't alone this time. there were people here.

____

"kiddo?" Patton didn't want to disturb him too much. it was almost strange to see him look so peaceful, calm, as if he was about to fall asleep right then and there, but Patton also knew he needed to check in on him because that had been the scariest thing any of them had ever had to deal with, and they weren't even going through it.

Roman had found himself looking after Thomas since he had a pretty bad headache and was a little disorientated. Roman also had no idea what he was doing with Virgil and had no way to help after he had returned with water and a weighted blanket for him. seeing him there was enough to make him completely freeze so he was grateful when Logan told him to check on Thomas. where Roman froze and panicked himself, Patton had his fatherly instincts and Logan had all of the knowledge from Thomas' friends and reading up on anxiety online. they were much more equipped.

as soon as Virgil had screamed, Patton had come running with his earphones.it almost felt like he had heard a child scream because Virgil sounded so scared and young and vulnerable. he handed the earphones to Logan hastily but they eventually decided against using them at all for fear of him getting even more frightened. he really wasn't breathing, the ragged attempts to get in air felt like they went on for ages and Patton almost wished that he would pass out again because he must have been in pain. they all flapped around a bit, startled themselves, before eventually coming to terms with what was happening and helping Virgil. Patton gently placed the weighted blanket Roman had brought around his shoulders as Logan instinctively grabbed his hand, not thinking that he might not be comfortable with it - and he would've regretted it, if not for the fact that he didn't know what else to do - before he eventually settled Virgil's hand on his own chest and told Patton to encourage him verbally.

it took a long while, but eventually he calmed down enough that Patton felt he could stop talking and Logan delicately, as if he was touching glass, let go of Virgil's hand. to everyone's surprise, he didn't actually rip it away from Logan and instead seemed like he didn't even notice that it wasn't being held anymore. or maybe he didn't care, but either way Logan didn't seem to mind. however, Patton's fatherly instincts needed to know if there was anything they could do for him now, so, he spoke.

he didn't know what he expected - maybe no response at all or maybe even for him to start panicking again - but he didn't exactly expect him to smile lazily. not that Patton was complaining, he was just shocked. Virgil looked like he was remembering some happy memory and Patton almost cooed before he was interrupted by a scared squeal. he was sat upright ,almost knocking into Logan, and Virgil's eyes were abruptly locked onto Patton's. he looked so afraid and yet so empty that Patton wondered briefly if he was going to break down again. instead he looked around with his empty eyes and looked at Thomas and Roman in the corner, Logan and then back to Patton. Patton smiled a little, trying to ease his concern.

Virgil didn't respond, just continued to stare for a little while when Patton noticed-

"shit, Patton, he's-" Logan noticed at the same moment. he moved to help but looked at Patton expectantly.

"Lo, what do i-"

"catch him!" and Patton held him in his sitting position as Virgil's eyes rolled back into his head.

and Patton held an unconscious Virgil in his arms for the second time that day, setting him back onto the sofa so that he was lying down. it had been a long day for them all, he couldn't blame Virgil fro sleeping through most of it.


End file.
